Jeri
Jacquin
Currently
streaming on Disney+ from Marvel Studios and director Chloe Zhao is the
ETERNALS.
So,
here we go with the start of a monolith filled with CLASH OF THE TITANS, I mean
Eternals, apparently in an early craft-version without Hal from the 2001 and
2010 films. They arrive on earth with their powers to help the helpless people
inhabiting the planet. Robb Stark, I mean Ikaris (Richard Madden), is back to
fight off what look like the little annoying cousins of the Krakken along with Anita
from HUMANS, I mean Sersi (Gemma Chan). Maleficient, I mean Thena (Angelina
Jolie), throws around her lightening staff taking at least three to four
minutes to kill said annoying creepy cousin.
In
present day, Jon Snow, I mean Dane (Kit Harington), is a professor and teaches
along with Sersi (which if you think about it is a little creepy, I mean didn’t
Rob Stark die because of Sersi and didn’t Jon Snow fight Sersi already for gawd
sake?). When the creepy Krakken cousins reappear, Ikaris turns up and there is
a brotherly Stark reunion. Now Sersi has to explain why the Eternals are on
earth and Sprite (Lia McHugh) is looking for a good fight.
Are
you with me so far? Good, because there are Babylon 575 BC flashbacks that are
kind of unnecessary except it gives Ajak (Selma Hayek) a chance to say they
Deviants are being kept at bay. Phastos (Brian Henry), Druig (Barry Keoghan), Makkari
(Lauren Ridloff), Gilgamesh (Ma Dong-seok), Kingo (Kumail Nanjiani) and the
rest hang out to tell the peasant population CGI stories reminiscent of
STARGATE and STAR WARS which is coincidental since the Eternals are from the
stars as well.
Now,
Ikaris and Sersi are supposedly all gooey for each other with the “I am yours”
(was waiting for “and you are mine” to finish the GOT reference). Moving to the
Gupta Empire, they run away for a colorful wedding with everyone watching. Back
to present day as dark clouds loom, apparently even the gods get a divorce
because Sersi is now with Dane, and they are looking for Ajak but someone else
has gotten there first.
Sersi
finally gets to talk to a stone tiki called Arishem (David Kaye) but we are not
to privy to that conversation. Now back to a flash back and this time they are
in Tenochitlan in 1521 AD (gawd my head is spinning, and I don’t know if it’s a
temporary bout with insanity or ridicuousness) and it is the last place the
Deviants are found. Except now Maleficient, sorry Thena is going on a rampage
yet that would be expected right? You can not be a good girl all the time.
Druig
decides he has had enough of humans being bad to one another and that pits
their beliefs against one another – ahhhh immortal sibling rivalry. But, with
the Deviants gone, there is no need for these outer space superheroes to stick
together. So, Ajak tells them they are free to go!
Fast
forward to present day Mumbai, Kingo is working the Bollywood circuit but
Sersi, Ikaris and Sprite let him know he is needed. They also find Gilgamesh
who is taking care of Thena who still seems to be a bit out of it. Still, they
sit around the table talking about the Avengers, but Sersi runs off to have a
conversation with Arishem about celestial seed farming. Apparently, now that
the world is ‘full’, something called the Emergence wants to drive it until everything
is empty again.
Arishem
goes on to give us a lesson on gravity, heat and light – blah, blah, blah. Not
even popcorn is going to save me. So apparently all life is going to die blah,
blah, blah. Once again, Sersi/Anita finds out the yucky repetitive truth that
Arishem is no better than the dude who created THE MATRIX. Time to call Will
Smith and claim his I, ROBOT.
Sersi
gets to be Optimus Prime now and I am trying to stay focused on this. The rest
of the group get a little pissy and Thena has an ‘I told you so’ look on her
face. Ikaris takes the group to the Amazon to find Druig who is living the
communal jungle lama life. Once they tell him what’s what, his dander is up, and
he is not about to give warm hugs to any of them.
Sucking
the life out of the Eternals, the Deviant finally speaks and makes it clear he
has a score to settle all while Thena gets to fall down weeping. Flashback
time! Now in 1945 Hiroshima Phastos thinks humanity is not worth saving (speak
for yourself since you started some of it dude!) and jump to present day he is now
sitting around the table with Ikaris and Sersi saying he will not help. Of
course, he is guilted into it by family (insert huge eye roll and sigh here).
Back
in the desert of gawd knows where, they magically dig up the
monolith-ship-thing where Makkari has been collecting and living. Then Ikaris
is in South Dakota six days from I do not know whining with Ajak on her front
porch in the middle of nowhere now blaming Thanos for everything (good gawd
really?) or maybe global warming I am not sure.
As
the ETERNALS split into two camps and have it out – I am over it.
Madden
as Ikaris has his hands full dealing with 7,000 years of dealing with humans as
well as the rest of the eternals. He’s the big brother to the rest and is just
as moody with laser eyes that do not seem to do much. Chan as Sersi has to deal
with the news she is dealt about the Eternals but its even more so when she has
to take over the lead with no experience in how to do that.
Jolie
as Thena is crazy moody and do not let her get back in the warrior phase or you
could lose a body part. Not sure what her purpose is other than being a bit
nutty but okay, I could have done without the muddled accent that I have heard
her do TOMB RAIDER. Dong-seok as Gilgamesh is the only one that can keep Thena’s
bouts at bay, apparently is a heck of a chef and is good in a fight.
McHugh
as Sprite is just that, a tiny sprite of a thing who has been with Sersi since
the Eternal split up going their separate ways. She’s smarter than anyone gives
her credit for. Nanjiani
as Kingo has gone from a ‘superhero’ to a narcissist who needs a camera and a
valet more than air apparently.
Keoghan
as Druig has a serious mind of his own and is not afraid to make it clear that
7,000 years and the new info has not changed anything. He has a sharp wit that’s
for sure. Hayek as Ajak gets in a moment or two but she truth and does not
share it – not a good leader in my book.
Director
Zhao has gone from such stellar work like NOMADLAND to this. I hope it was at
least fun making.
Other
cast include Hannah Dodd as Sandra, Adria Escudero as Diego, Sebastian Viveros
as Jano, Bill Skarsgard as Kro, Haaz Sleiman as Ben, Esai Cross as Jack, Alan
Scott as Patrick, Harish Patel as Karun, Patton Oswalt as Pip the Troll and
Harry Styles as Eros.
Disney+
is the subscription home streaming entertainment with Disney, Pixar, Marvel,
Star Wars, National Geographic and more. There are exclusive originals with new
feature films, shows, short form content, documentaries, and actions series
such as THE MANDALORIAN. For more information, please visit www.disneyplus.com.
Bonus
Features include Audio Commentary, Immortalized, Walks of Life, Gag Reel,
Deleted Scenes, Gravity, Nostalgia, Movies and Small Talk.
ETERNALS
is just a hot mess of characters that had me yelling at my television, and I
hate yelling at my wonderful 70 inch colorful monstrosity. I am sure this is
probably a precursor to more of the films and all I can do is scream and claw
my face. I just can not anymore. Thumbs up to the actors because there are
moments that are a little funny, but the rest is just blah, blah, blah.
My
only relief is Kingo with his ridiculous narcissism and one liners and a few
good shots from Gilgamesh. Good guys, bad guys, special powers, independent
thinking, attempt at romance, regret, bad intentions, lies, truths, plans,
narcissism, ‘poor me’ stories, realities and the fact that no good deed goes
unpunished is all mashed up into another superhero film where the planet needs
saving by someone or another. Personally, with all the destruction these superheroes
do to humans and the planet, I’d rather save myself!
Staying
through the end credits was an accident because I was in the middle of putting
together a fairy set for my granddaughter which was much more entertaining. So,
without spoiling it for anyone that dares sit through two hours and thirty-nine
minutes, Harry Styles makes a colorful appearance that made me slap my forehead
and cry out ‘wtf?!’ and schedule a future nail appointment.
ETERNALS
is now available on Disney+ and will be released on 4K, Blu-ray and DVD
February 15.
In
the end – this is their beginning story.