Jeri Jacquin
Dear Ridley Scott – I wish I didn’t have to say that this is
one of the hardest reviews I have had to write in a very long time. Normally I
would just go about my life not even bother speaking on this but I am sincerely
disappointed.
ALIEN: Covenant has been a film I’ve waited for since going
crazy for PROMETHEUS. I am a huge fan of the Alien films and can honestly say
that if I am channel surfing and one of the films is on – I stop what I’m doing
to watching it for the umpteenth million time.
In 1979 ALIEN rocked the planet and everybody in it with a
story that was epic in scope, eye candy for sci-fi lovers and film goers
everywhere. I love the character of Ripley and everything she embodied. She was
strong, smart, and powerful in her own right, feminine, nurturing, tough as
hell and not afraid to show fear. Hey, being chased across the galaxy by a
freaky-stomach-splatting-acid-spitting creature that just seems to have it out
for you would drive anyone to momentary lapses of fear.
Ripley took us through every gut-wrenching range of emotion
and her victory was our victory! Every time the aliens came after her, Ripley
put her big girl britches on and gave them a galactic supreme thrashing.
That’s what brought us back into the theatres in 1986 with
ALIENS because vengeance is best served in the cold vacuum of space and we
wanted Ripley to show the gun-slingers how it’s was really done. With the
introduction of Knute, Ripley became even more real to us all because her
maternal side kicked in with “get away from her you bitch!” I was in the
theatre when people got to their feet cheering on there heroine!
ALIEN 3 in 1992 had us knowing it was inevitable that Ripley
would be found floating in space slumbering away only to be awaken by a prison
full of guys who thought they were badasses – hardly. When it came down to it a
woman solved their problem and then, quite literally, took one for the human team.
We still cheered Ripley with her hands gripped around that slithery biter of
mayhem showing us all what sacrifice truly looked like.
Then came ALIEN RESCURRECTION in 1997 and I was thrilled to
see the reincarnation of Ripley. A scary version of her original, this Ripley
had a mean sense of humor and no problem showing off her set of skills.
Although I enjoyed the film I knew that it was time to say goodbye to Ripley
letting her ride off into the sunset of Earth.
Imagine the surprise of mostly everyone when in 2012
PROMETHEUS came along. I knew Ripley wasn’t going to make an appearance since
this was a prequel (and Mr. Scott I can’t even begin to tell you how I feel
about prequels). That being said I’m a Michael Fassbender fan, I think the
world would be a hideous place without Charlize Theron and Noomi Rapace with
always be THE GIRL IN THE DRAGON TATTOO so I mentally and willingly signed on
for that ride.
Different and twisted as the film began to divulge the
universal secret of where in the hell these creepy double-jawed aliens came
from. I have watched PROMETHEUS time and time again because of the story and
the cast. I wanted to know where this was going, I wanted Elizabeth Shaw to get
the answers and I wanted David to be a cool synthetic. The reviews were mixed
and it was either a totally loved the film or totally hated it.
So here we are in 2017 and another ship is floating around
in space with ALIEN: Covenant. I was already sitting in the theatre seat with
my dander up because Shaw wasn’t going to be part of this adventure. To be
honest the only thing that kept me in that uncomfortable seat was knowing
Fassbender was going to be playing dual roles and I had to see that for myself.
Now, here I sit, still, weeks later thinking how could this have gone so wrong? Well,
for me it began the moment new-guy-behind-the-ships-wheel Captain Oram orders
the ship to land. Basically you lost me immediately – totally because no one is
that stupid (or so I thought). Screening the film with my two daughters who are
also ALIEN aficionados from their teenage years, we spent ten minutes rolling
our eyes at one another because believability flew out the window like Ripley’s
creature-baby in ALIEN RESURRECTION.
That is only the beginning of my list of bitches and
complaints but that’s what happens when I feel cheated. To be honest Mr. Scott
the story just rankled me to the point of no return. All I kept thinking was
really? REALLY? Even Michael Fassbender taking on dual roles had
my head shaking and not in a good way which kills me, seriously kills me.
If I had one question to ask you I suppose it would be did
you believe ALIEN: Covenant was the best you could do for fans? No surprises
but instead a revelation that I found to be more placating than cool. Gawd I am
so p.o.’d and what’s worse is I know there has to be another film coming down
the space-pike and I feel like I’ve already seen it in my theatre’s mind.
Of course I’m not going into detail about the film because
even if I’m cranky, I don’t want to ruin the film for those crazy enough to
slap down their $15 dollars because perhaps they will find something I’m just
not seeing. My only solace is the fact that I have all the other ALIEN films on
bluray and can use it as a marathon-mind washing over the weekend.
Something tells me that you aren’t going to be to upset over
what this lil’ old broad film critic has to say in the grand scheme of things. If
you need someone to look over your next ALIEN script however I’d be glad to use
my handy red pencil to ward off any ridiculousness before you yell ‘roll ‘em!’.
If I can offer some salve for the scratches I think Taboo
is a frakken ridiculously awesome television show and THE MARTIAN is absolutely
brilliant so theirs that. Always look for the bright side of the universe right?
My apologies if I have offended you with my opinion Mr.
Scott because I really did want to go gaga for ALIEN: Covenant – truly I did.
Jeri Jacquin
Crabby Movie Maven
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